Monday, August 23, 2010. Zack and I visited the perinatal clinic for a “just to be sure everything’s o.k.” ultrasound. I had already had two normal ultrasounds and at fourteen weeks thought I was not in danger of losing this baby. From the start of the day, things were off. We got up late, got to the clinic late, there was only one doctor working. And then…Immediately the ultrasound tech knew something was wrong, though she put on a good show for us. She paged the only doctor working at the clinic and he came immediately to let me know in no uncertain terms, that my baby would not live once it was born. He spouted off a lot of medical terms and possibilities, none of which I remembered. I came away from that appointment knowing only that my baby would die and that as the doctor said, “This is much worse than Down Syndrome.”
The doctor left us alone in the room to process the news and as Zack held me while I cried and my heart broke at the thought of carrying this baby for six more months and then losing it, a peace settled over me. I had a sense that this was God’s plan for our lives and we would live it, like we had lived everything else. Like Zack had lived the death of his father when he was only seventeen, or we had lived the two miscarriages prior to the birth of our son John Owen. We’d live it because we wholeheartedly trust that God’s plans are best.
Today we returned to the perinatal clinic so they could try and determine exactly what was wrong with the baby. The answer: anencephaly. I sat staring at the picture of my baby that the ultrasound tech had left up (by mistake probably) as the doctor talked and talked and tried to console us and offer us “early delivery” and reassure us that it wasn’t our fault. I just sat and stared. None of those things he said offered any consolation to me, any hope. For the ten days prior to today, I had believed and known with everything inside of me that God could heal my baby. BUT today as I sat and stared at my baby, something inside of me knew that maybe healing wasn’t God’s best in this situation.
Our desire has been to glorify God in all we do. I fail miserably most days. Especially while we are on this journey though, my heart cries out to glorify God above all else. And maybe God will receive more glory through our suffering than through a miracle. Maybe not. All things are possible with God.
But today…I grieve.
I grieve for my little girl kicking and growing inside of me–Ella Grace.
I grieve for my husband who tries so hard to understand me and wants desperately to make things better.
I grieve for my family, friends, and church family who hurt with us as we travel this road.
At the end of this journey I hope people can say that God received glory.
I hope we suffer well.
Delectable Thought 
Praying for all of you at this time and through this journey. We love your family.
Your strength amazes me! We love you,Zach and John Owen so very much! My prayers are with you for minute by minute strength and peace. Please call on your church family to help in anyway we can. He has a plan. Love ya, Vonda
Jennifer, You have been in my heart and in my prayers daily, We serve a Mighty God, and I trust that He will deliver you through all of this…I know it’s got to be hard, but you will be blessed for all of this..thinking of all of you…..still praying for that Miracle…….
Thank you for sharing your journey. I would wish to say something to ease your family’s pain. I can not. Rich Mullins once said that some hurts are so deep knowing all the “why’s” would not make it any better. God is glorified by your honesty. God is glorified as He hurts with you.
Jennifer/Zach – My heart borke for you guys this past Sunday morning. Your family is an amazing example to us in how you are trusting GOD in response to very difficult circumstances. Know that my whole family prays for you daily.
I am praying for you daily. I am amazed at the strength that GOD has given you. Please know that I am here for you anytime you need me. This verse comes to mind and I hope it will give you some comfort! Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
Hey Jennifer. I am praying for you and your precious family. God’s ways are so mysterious sometimes. I will never forget sitting in a hotel room in Atlanta 14 years ago, after Joe and I had spent the day at one of the nation’s finest infertility clinics, waiting on the call from the doctor to tell us our lab results. I can relate to that peace that passes all understanding of which you speak, because that’s what we experienced when we were told there was no earthly way we would have biological children. At that point, we had no idea if we would ever be parents. I was filled with such a peace. Knowing there was nothing I could do at all to help myself, and that I was at the feet of God, safely in His hand and He still loved me… he wasn’t trying to punish me… that even if I never was a mother, which was my heart’s desire, that it was OK because HE LOVED ME. One month later, Strawn Taylor introduced us to Gracie’s birthmother…. I don’t know how God’s story will play out for you all, but I know He holds you closely, and He loves you so much. I am praying for a miracle – God’s miracle!
Jen, I have never known you not to glorify God. He is glorified that you are able to talk and write about what you are going through as you go through it. He doesn’t let us hop over or around; we must go through. Yet, as He carries us through, we have peace. Grief is real and normal. It has a season all of its own. I grieve for you and with you; knowing your love for God and your love for His children. I love you and groan on your behalf.
Jen, literally weeping with you! Praying for you my sister and friend.
Hi! I am so sorry to hear about your sweet baby! I thought I would leave you with a friend of mine’s blog address http://averymizell.blogspot.com/ . She is also a strong Christ-follower that lost her baby girl Weslee Faith to anencephaly. I know that sometimes it is a comfort just to know that there are people out there who can relate when no one else can! We will be praying for your family!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by hershaelyork, Ronnie Parrott and Brooks Trelawney, Brooks Trelawney. Brooks Trelawney said: RT @hershaelyork This is how to present one's suffering to Christ as a gift: http://bit.ly/9Noavx from Jennifer, @zackthurman's wife. … […]
You have put feet to the words, “His grace is sufficient.” God bless you.
I love you guys so much!!! You have our prayers, awe inspired respect, and anything else you may need from us….
Zack to you and your family, I am so sorry for your pain !I pray GOD wil give you comfort and strength as only HE can.There are some things in [This WORLD]we will NEVER UNDERSTAND! but JUST HOLD ON TIGHTER!!MY prayers are with yall.
Zack & Jenn – Your faith absolutely amazes me! All I can think is WOW! I am keeping you both, John Owen, and Ella Grace in my prayers. God bless you all.